Of all the days celebrated or marked in the year, Father’s Day used to be the hardest day for me. Hard because I struggled with trying to keep painful memories at bay.
Fighting to not make it a day of indictment on a dad that it took so long for me to forgive.
Fighting to deal with the things I remember in the light of God’s requirement for me to love and forgive.
Fighting memories that bombard my head as I try to find happy moments of childhood experiences with my dad.
I look for memories of a dad who danced with me, or held me in his arms, played with me, hugged me or said I love you. And I come up empty-handed every time. But I do recall travels to some pretty cool places we had to live because his job required it. I even recall the make, model and license plate numbers of his cars. I recall patterns of bed sheets and blankets from when I was 8 years old. I recall the layouts of most of the houses we lived in and so on.
But yesterday I noticed a less painful state of my heart. While there was a lingering pain of missing what I did not have, I am thankful for friends, pastors and mentors that God has placed in my life to tangibly communicate Gods love to me.
People who hug and look out for me and share a tiny part of their hearts with me and make sure I hear as many I love yous as my heart can take.
This year, rather than focus on what I didn’t have, I focused on the possibilities of what I could still have. What I could still give my kids when they come because I now know what the love of a dad should look like. Because all around me today, are living examples of what fatherhood looks like. And like a thirsty sponge, I am soaking it all up.
So while I work out Daddy issues, and wait for a miraculous recipe for forgetting, I strive to not let it define me or color my perspective on life.
Yesterday I cried a little less than I did last year. And for that, I AM THANKFUL!
photo credit: N00/363243422″>Dad and daughter via photopin (license) photo credit: N06/14724135090″>Bonds so strong via photopin (license) Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Elaine Otuije and brownielaine.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.